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Nubbly Douglas trotted into a coffee bar on his horse, Eugene. The barista said sarcastically, “Why the long faces?” Nubbly had heard this insult more than a few times growing up so he just laughed heartily as he and Eugene drank their triple-espressos. Then he gave his trusted steed that special whistle reserved occasions such as this one. And as they trotted away, ol’ Nubbly looked in Eugene’s rear view mirror, smiled and watched as the barista pulled out the mop and bucket and began to clean up their grand retort. The story I just related to you is based on true events. It is a popular fable of kindred spirits and ignorance coming face to face or nose to nose. The maxim or take-away from this fable is this: if you plan on insulting a large mammal, bring a mop and bucket.

In the beginning there was Dareek Mifflespoon. He was the father of sleaze. He invented the come-hither look that had all the ladies running for the hills. Dareek lived in the inner city where he mastered the skills of distraction and repulsion. You could often hear him chortling with his husky baritone voice. When he talks to you it sounds like he’s crushing gravel. He also sprays a fine gravel mist into the faces of those unfortunate enough to be caught in one of his unseducative monologues. When the gravel mist dries on your face it hardens into a cement-like mask. You then need to soak your head in a tapioca solvent for at least an hour. The problem is Dareek loves tapioca and if he smells it on you it acts like an aphrodisiac and he’ll never leave you alone.

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